Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
You Might Also Like
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
grotesque if literal: baby food
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
*orders delivery*
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.