Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
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Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you