(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
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A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
🤣🤣
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
I never needed anything more in my life
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out