Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
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“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here