I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
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Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
is this how new cars are made??
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband: