me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
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10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.