I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
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Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?