The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
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Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
How did we not see this back then?
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’