Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
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BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.