*seductively winces due to lower back pain
You Might Also Like
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
i love modern commerce
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Bringing home a sharpie
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.