Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
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Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Anime is real
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
you have three unread messages
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.