Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
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How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?