7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
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That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
m’lady
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?