I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
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Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
is it earth
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches