The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
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You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
synchronized noseblowing
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.