“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
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I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
New favorite tiktok
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Love this guy
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular