She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
You Might Also Like
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
The game has officially changed 😎
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.