COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
You Might Also Like
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!