My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
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Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.