ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
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Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Watson was Holmes schooled
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO