I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
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My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
cat vs inanimate object
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.