adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
You Might Also Like
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
my friends when i can’t do basic math
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.