Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
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finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Lmbo
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!