If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
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Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream