feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
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[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
I’m an avid indoorsman.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
You sure about that?
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤