FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
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ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.