The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
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Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.