My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
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my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect