If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
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I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into