“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
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Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.