I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
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[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.