My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
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“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
New Tinder profile.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I’m not stressed
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
…u ok Nintendo?