That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
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[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books