Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
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yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*