Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
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“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch