me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
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Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
dutch so unserious
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do