Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
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Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Sharon, call the vet
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro