Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
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If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
He a real one for that
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Is fructose made with real fruct?
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.