I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
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Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.