“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
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One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Forever 21… pounds overweight
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.