My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
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I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet