End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
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TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?