Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
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My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Great acting.. 😂
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.