Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
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me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.