I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
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*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Weirdly Wednesday.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.