12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
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My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Breaking news:
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.