at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
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Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness