5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
You Might Also Like
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.