Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
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I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪