Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
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I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.